Friday, October 16, 2009

On Several Things That Could Not Possibly Happen This Weekend

1. Notre Dame defeating USC.
Notre Dame is the only entity in the universe that can advance from moribundity* to underratedness* based purely on faith. Well, I believe in nothing. And I will celebrate USC's inevitable 35-3 victory by awaiting a blogger's mea culpa while ordering the lingonberry pancakes.

2. Glenn Beck displaying unfettered emotion.
Seriously. Dude has to be all cried out; socialism really takes its toll on this guy's ducts. Watch this clip. It's like Mad Men meets In Treatment, if both of those shows were produced by a clinically insane hobo.

3. Another child of reality-show alchemists attempting to escape the absurdity of his own existence by pretending to abscond in the literal manifestation of a tin-foil hat, thereby monopolizing several hours of myopic cable news coverage**, only to be proven the perpetrator of a hoax, found hiding in the Ark of the Covenant in the attic, and suffering through intestinal distress on national television while essentially confessing to his parents' role in a publicity fraud.
Well, OK, this could happen. But I'd put it at 3-1 against.

*Editor's note: This word may not exist, but it should.
**There is something poetic about a cable-talk show host named Wolf fretting over the fate of a child named Falcon. It is sort like a Native American folk tale, as authored by Larry King.

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