Friday, August 6, 2010

On Inconsequential Things That Matter To Me

1. Tebow Knows 

This is sheer blasphemy
. There is only one true Lord and Savior, and his name is Bo. The mere fact that this T-shirt exists should condemn Tebow to an eternity in the Ninth Circle, forced to endure extended lectures about his throwing motion from Jon Gruden while being ruthleesly mocked by a cabal of sports bloggers wielding photos of well-endowed women.

2. Brettfavre

So...I got bumped from a Minneapolis radio show last night because of Favre. Which begs the question: How is all this Favre time filled? What is there to discuss in a three-hour block between pizza commercials and trivia questions? But of course, it's Minneapolis, and it's the Vikings. I get it. No hard feelings, WCCO.

Still, because I do not incessantly follow sports news, I have no idea how much of this Schadenfavre is actually based in reality. I cannot say I watch SportsCenter that often, but how much do they really address Favre?* Has anyone ever timed it? Or are we all just making broad presumptions based on the Twitter feed of Ken Tremendous? It's clear that Favre wants to play. It's clear that the only thing holding him back at this point is his health. It's also clear that he has an uncanny ability to get under people's skin, even when he does nothing at all. At this point, since we're going to hate him no matter what he does, why wouldn't he make it his express goal to screw with people?

At this point, I've come full circle. I'm so tired of the complaining that I'd prefer to see the complainants keel over from sheer exhaustion. I hope Favre does come back, and I hope he has his best season ever. And then I hope he retires the week of the Super Bowl.

And then unretires the next day. 

3. Vampire Envy

Why is it that people who have only a casual interest in movies will pay $12 to see a movie that consists entirely of second-tier actors satirizing films that many of them probably haven't actually seen in the first place?**

*Although, I will admit: I turned on SportsCenter for 12 seconds last night and saw a state-of-the-art graphic of a human ankle, and heard the voice of an orthopedic surgeon. I did not remain on the channel long enough to pass the anatomy exam that followed.

**Probably for the same reason I subscribed to MAD Magazine for the first 15 years of my existence. I've never actually seen Top Gun, but thanks to MAD, I still presume the lead characters' names are "Maniac" and "Goof."

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