Thursday, September 2, 2010

On 15 Jarringly Specific Predictions For This College Football Season

1. Penn State's true freshman quarterback, Robert Bolden, will throw two touchdown passes and run for one more in a win over Youngstown State, prompting ESPN's Craig James to pick Penn State to defeat Alabama while expanding at length on his relationship with Nittany Lion cornerback D'Anton Lynn.

2. Alabama will defeat Penn State 27-6.

3. Boise State quarterback Kellen Moore will throw for 252 yards and three touchdowns in a 31-17 win over Virginia Tech, thereby vaulting him to the front of the Heisman Trophy race.

4. Moore will then throw four interceptions in a 35-31 loss to Oregon State, thereby eliminating himself from contention.

5. Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez will launch into at least two tirades against the media, specifically singling out Detroit Free Press columnist Michael Rosenberg for the demise of his career.

6. Notre Dame quarterback Dayne Christ throws for 302 yards and two touchdowns in a 24-7 win over Michigan, thereby prompting Beano Cook* and The Big Lead's Jason McIntyre to wonder whether he is "the Heisman Trophy frontrunner."

7. Notre Dame will lose five of its final seven games.

8. Alabama coach Nick Saban will liken his team's 21-17 loss to LSU to Hurricane Katrina.

9. Auburn will win the SEC West, then lose 48-0 to Florida in the SEC Championship game.

10. Pittsburgh, on the verge of a Big East championship and a spot in the BCS Championship game, will lose 17-16 to Cincinnati after Coach Dave Wannstedt chooses to run a fake punt from his own 41-yard line with two minutes, 12 seconds to play.

11. Michigan State will start the season 6-0, and finish the season 7-5.**

12. USC coach Lane Kiffin will indirectly threaten to napalm the UCLA campus the week of the rivalry game.

13. Ohio State loses 17-14 to Iowa after quarterback Terrelle Pryor chooses to transfer to the University of Miami in midseason so "I can be with my friends."

14. Stanford wins the Pac Ten and advances to the BCS Championship game, prompting millions of Americans to reaffirm their hatred for smart people.

15. Florida defeats Stanford 48-14 for the national championship. Florida coach Urban Meyer declares it a victory for the "regular guy," then retreats to the oxygen tent in his office for a nap.

*I love Beano. That man is a national treasure. Seriously.

**Is this even a prediction, or merely a truism?


Anonymous said...

25 or 15?

Michael Weinreb said...

I guess I got lazy.