Friday, January 14, 2011

On Ten Jarringly Specific Predictions For This Weekend's Games

1. Ben Roethlisberger throws for 256 yards and two touchdowns and bleeds from at least two (2) orifices before the fourth quarter is complete.

2. Ray Lewis and/or Ed Reed perform at least one act of violence which would be considered illegal in at least eight states.

3. After breaking two limbs and sending Joe Flacco to the hospital, Troy Polamalu punctuates the Steelers' 17-14 win by advocating for nonviolence.

4. At least one network broadcaster overuses the nickname "Matty Ice" to the point that 18.4 percent of Falcons fans are forced to concede that it is, in fact, the worst American innovation since Natural Ice itself.

5. Clay Matthews finishes Green Bay's 24-14 win with 15 tackles and a sack, after which he announces that he would like to be referred to as "Claymation," thereby allowing the inventors of Matty Ice off the hook.

6. Mark Sanchez throws for 154 yards and one touchdown, with three interceptions, in the Jets' 31-14 loss to the Patriots. Afterward, following a conversation with a potentially intoxicated Joe Namath, he declares Foxboro a "festering sewer" and guarantees a Super Bowl victory next season.

7. Rex Ryan spits in his hand before greeting Bill Belichick postgame. Belichick responds by removing his shoe and tossing it at Ryan's head while shouting, "Does this make you happy?"

8. Tom Brady throws for 365 yards and three touchdowns; afterward, he flies to New York by private plane to attend a showing of a Neil LaBute play with his wife, Tommy Hilfiger, and the dude who plays Nate on Gossip Girl.

9. The Bears-Seahawks game is marred by eight turnovers and twelve sacks and is generally considered the worst playoff game in NFL history. Jay Cutler throws for 565 yards with nine interceptions, and Matt Hasselbeck for 422 yards and seven picks.

10. The Bears win 6-4.

1 comment:

Your escalator operator said...

Well, 9 and 10 seem reasonable.