On XLIV Jarringly Specific Predictions For This Weekend's Game

I. Approximately 12 percent of the pregame coverage will be spent discussing the cuisine of New Orleans.

II. Approximately 8 percent of the pregame coverage will be spent discussing the Manning family.

III. Approximately 0.6 percent of the pregame coverage will be spent discussing Up With People.

IV. Some type of unnecessarily loud Pentagon-produced aircraft will buzz over the stadium during pregame, rendering several CEOs in attendance temporarily deaf. A Nation writer will later refer to this as an apt metaphor for America.

V. Jim Nantz will wait approximately six minutes before delivering his first overly labored play on words.

VI. Jim Nantz will deliver several extremely uncomfortable promos for How I Met Your Mother.

VII. Peyton Manning's insistent audibles and hand signals at the line of scrimmage will cause seizures among a class of Korean schoolchildren.

VIII. Within the first eight minutes, we will be subjected to eight (8) close-ups of Dwight Freeney's hideously swollen ankle.

IX. On the Saints' first drive, Reggie Bush will juke three defenders out of their socks, then fumble the ball in the open field.

X. On the Colts' first drive, Dallas Clark will catch a pass over the middle, get creamed, and stumble drunkenly to the sideline, only to return two plays later and do the same exact thing.

XI. Sometime in the first twenty (20) minutes, Jim Nantz will make a sympathetic reference to Tiger Woods.

XII. Sometime in the first eighteen (18) minutes, the cameras will close in on a major American pop star.

XIII. Said pop star will be wearing a Saints hat, despite fact that said pop star has no connection at all to New Orleans.

XIV. The Colts will score their first touchdown on a 37-yard screen pass from Manning to Joseph Addai.

XV. The Saints will score their first touchdown on a 52-yard pass from Drew Brees to Devery Henderson.

XVI. Sometime in the first twenty-six (26) minutes, Jim Nantz will explain the story behind Drew Brees' birthmark.

XVII. Before halftime, there will be at least three commercials involving talking animals.

XVIII. Before halftime, there will be at least seven commercials involving men doing unspeakable things in the name of beer.

XVIII. The Tim Tebow ad will be overshadowed by a more controversial commercial put out by a desperate corporation hit hard by the recession. Partial male nudity will be involved.

XIX. At halftime, approximately 38 percent of viewers will pose this question: That's Roger Daltrey?

XX. At halftime, Pete Townsend will attempt to shatter a guitar and fail.

XXI. At halftime, the Who will indeed perform a medley of their favorite songs, prompting 90 percent of major American bloggers to make Squeeze Box jokes.

XXII. The third quarter will begin with a trick play.

XXIII. Each team will turn the ball over two times in the third quarter.

XXIV. Phil Simms will question whether the game is getting "sloppy."

XXV. In the third quarter, Pierre Thomas will score on a 26-yard run. The play will be reviewed, and the review will be unncessarily long, prompting another round of commercials involving a talking marmot.

XXVI. In the third quarter, Manning will throw an 18-yard touchdown pass to Pierre Garcon, who will do something nice to acknowledge Haiti.

XXVII. Jim Nantz will call the moment "one of the greatest things I've seen."

XXVIII. Twelve percent of Super Bowl parties will run short of french onion dip at the end of the third quarter.

XXIX. During the break between the third and fourth quarters, an ad for a major American beer company will feature six buxom women and a Shakespeare-quoting rhinoceros.

XXX-XL. Manning will complete ten consecutive passes in the fourth quarter, prompting Nantz to refer to him as "The Manning" after each one.

XLI. The game will come down to the final minutes, at which time Jeremy Shockey will make his only catch of the game, and immediately stand up and taunt several defenders.

XLII. In the final two minutes, Brees will be lauded for his poise immediately before throwing a crucial interception.

XLIII. In the final two minutes, a major American beer company will unveil a commercial involving a sea turtle who is also a renowned quantum physicist.

XLIV. Regardless of who wins, Nantz will punctuate it with a thoroughly vetted play on words that will cause 84 percent of Super Bowl party attendees to hurl corn-based projectiles at their television sets.