On Unlikely Ends To the NBA Free-Agent Frenzy That While Take Place While I'm On Vacation

1. LeBron James chooses to keep it "especially real," and, citing the counsel of Ron Artest, re-signs with Cleveland and accepts a part-time position at the Champs Sports at Chapel Hill Mall.

2. LeBron James signs with the New Jersey Nets, refers to team's owner as "that Grand Theft Auto dude."

3. LeBron James signs with the Knicks, claims the three free months of Showtime and Cinemax were the deciding factor.

4. LeBron James signs with the Bulls. Michael Jordan, attempting to repair his reputation, volunteers to bequeath James his No. 23, then spends the following decade quietly undermining him.

4. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh all sign with Miami, win a single championship, then retire to become tarpon fishermen in the Florida Keys.

5. LeBron James signs with the Clippers, then team owner Donald Sterling attempts to trade him to the Seattle Supersonics.

6. Dwyane Wade signs with Toronto, citing his affinity for Canadians.

7. Amare Stoudemire signs with no one, chooses to travel through Eastern Europse on rail pass and "find himself" instead.

8. Feeling especially abandoned, Cleveland sets itself on fire voluntarily. Their effort fails.

9. J.J. Redick signs with Miami, winds up having a better career than Wade, Bosh, or James.

P.S. I'll be back in a few days. Until then, you know the drill.