On The Week's Top Five

1. Giant Heads and Talking Basketballs

Does the person who concocted the NBA's advertising campaigns have some sort of fetish with gigantism? I don't know when or how oversized craniums became the rage among America's youth--appearing on posters and in the stands at college basketball games and now in these bobblehead advertisements and talking basketball soliloquies narrated by Moe Szyslak that resemble a Timothy Leary fever dream--but it makes me think the American advertising industry is in desperate need of some new ideas, preferably packaged inside a case of Benadryl.

2. Playoffs

I confess: I did not watch enough of the NBA regular season to determine with any accuracy which teams were the favorites coming into these playoffs, but here's what I've realized: It doesn't matter. All that watching the regular season would have done is confuse me, as (with the possible exception of the final 8-10 games) it seems to mean less than it ever has before. The talent among the top 16 teams is dispersed enough that an eight-seed seems fully capable of defeating a one seed, which is a great thing for the NBA, but further proof that college basketball is far better, since in college basketball, this happens in a single-elimination format every single year.

3. Predictions

That said, I will take O.J. Mayo's beard, followed by Pau Gasol's blithe nonchalance, followed by:

3.) Kevin Garnett's Nelson Muntz-like facial contortions.
4.) Derrick Rose's soon-to-be-depleted modesty.
5.) Knicks fans' delusional sense of self-importance.

4. Baseball's Problem...

centers entirely around the fact that Kyle Farnsworth is a competent closer.*


5. Goodreads

SI's Thomas Lake on the shooting death of Denver Bronco Darrent Williams.

The St. Pete Times' Ben Montgomery on the baffling disappearance of a local diver.

*And I say this as someone who drafted Farnsworth in a fantasy league, fully expecting to release him before tax day arrived.

On Ten Jarringly Specific Predictions For This Weekend's Games

1. Ben Roethlisberger throws for 256 yards and two touchdowns and bleeds from at least two (2) orifices before the fourth quarter is complete.

2. Ray Lewis and/or Ed Reed perform at least one act of violence which would be considered illegal in at least eight states.

3. After breaking two limbs and sending Joe Flacco to the hospital, Troy Polamalu punctuates the Steelers' 17-14 win by advocating for nonviolence.

4. At least one network broadcaster overuses the nickname "Matty Ice" to the point that 18.4 percent of Falcons fans are forced to concede that it is, in fact, the worst American innovation since Natural Ice itself.

5. Clay Matthews finishes Green Bay's 24-14 win with 15 tackles and a sack, after which he announces that he would like to be referred to as "Claymation," thereby allowing the inventors of Matty Ice off the hook.

6. Mark Sanchez throws for 154 yards and one touchdown, with three interceptions, in the Jets' 31-14 loss to the Patriots. Afterward, following a conversation with a potentially intoxicated Joe Namath, he declares Foxboro a "festering sewer" and guarantees a Super Bowl victory next season.

7. Rex Ryan spits in his hand before greeting Bill Belichick postgame. Belichick responds by removing his shoe and tossing it at Ryan's head while shouting, "Does this make you happy?"

8. Tom Brady throws for 365 yards and three touchdowns; afterward, he flies to New York by private plane to attend a showing of a Neil LaBute play with his wife, Tommy Hilfiger, and the dude who plays Nate on Gossip Girl.

9. The Bears-Seahawks game is marred by eight turnovers and twelve sacks and is generally considered the worst playoff game in NFL history. Jay Cutler throws for 565 yards with nine interceptions, and Matt Hasselbeck for 422 yards and seven picks.

10. The Bears win 6-4.

On 16 Unsolicited Observations About the NCAA Tournament So Far

1. Here's something I don't understand: Every one of us spends the entirety of our day shuttling between six different applications, fourteen browser windows, twelve thousand ITunes songs, four Skype phone calls, and three Blackberries. We own three-hundred inch super Ultravox (TM) high-definition televisions, and we watch them while Googling Tom Penders' lifetime record and Twittering about Gus Johnson and commenting on our former college roommate's Facebook status. And yet CBS believes we are incapable of comprehending split-screen technology? That somehow, displaying two games at once, if only for seconds at a time, might somehow induce seizures in small children? Forgive me, but if there are two games coming down to the wire, I would like to see them both. And it boggles my mind that CBS purchased an entire channel (College Sports Network) only to stock it, during the two busiest college sports days of the year, with mid-major coaches sitting in a studio discussing visits to the Yale Club.

2. Two teams I mistakenly overestimate or underestimate in my bracket, year after year: Villanova and Wisconsin.

3. This is the first time in several years that I didn't pick a Mid-American Conference team to win a first-round game.

4. The Big Ten is a hit-and-miss conference, but Tom Izzo and Matt Painter might be two of the five best coaches in America.

5. Glen Rice could not possibly have a son playing college basketball, unless there is some sort of Dharma time loop involved. Or unless I am aging at a depressingly fast rate.

6. I refuse to believe that Duke is "peaking."

7. When and why did Bob Huggins start dressing like Turtle from Entourage? The guy loses his job, abandons another, and now he gets to dress down? I would like to have his agent.

8. A year ago, Penn State defeated Baylor to win the NIT Championship. Now, Baylor is potentially a Final Four team, and Penn State is plugging the holes on a sinking vessel.

9. I doubt that Cornell can beat Kentucky, but that game will at least become a proxy for a discussion that no one ever really wants to have, which is: Do we care whether college athletes actually graduate? At Maryland, Gary Williams was forced to defend the school's graduation rate of eight percent. This, at a school that was enveloped in academic scandal two decades earlier--and back then, Lefty Driesell made many of the same arguments.* Nothing ever really changes here; the question is whether we even want the system to change. If you don't, you should probably be pulling for the Wildcats.

10. Syracuse and Kentucky are clearly the two best teams remaining, but given the way this tournament has gone, I will be surprised if they meet in the final.

11. I never really liked Kansas that much, and I can't say why, except that in a midseason game, I saw Sherron Collins miss a clutch free throw. That pretty much shaped my entire perception of that team.

12. So at this point, Gonzaga is no longer even the best team in its own conference. I have no idea if they're a massive disappointment or if the fact that they even make the tournament every year is a miracle in itself.

13. It's hard for me to root against Steve Alford (for some reason, I have a vivid memory of this story about Alford proposing to his wife), especially when he's wearing a bright red sportjacket.

14. Most underrated CBS announcing team: Ian Eagle/Jim Spanarkel.

15. My original Final Four: Kansas, Kentucky, Texas A&M, Syracuse.

16. My revised Final Four: Syracuse, Michigan State, Kentucky, Baylor. 

*If only someone would write a book about that era in American sports. And if only that book were currently available for pre-order...

On XLIV Jarringly Specific Predictions For This Weekend's Game

I. Approximately 12 percent of the pregame coverage will be spent discussing the cuisine of New Orleans.

II. Approximately 8 percent of the pregame coverage will be spent discussing the Manning family.

III. Approximately 0.6 percent of the pregame coverage will be spent discussing Up With People.

IV. Some type of unnecessarily loud Pentagon-produced aircraft will buzz over the stadium during pregame, rendering several CEOs in attendance temporarily deaf. A Nation writer will later refer to this as an apt metaphor for America.

V. Jim Nantz will wait approximately six minutes before delivering his first overly labored play on words.

VI. Jim Nantz will deliver several extremely uncomfortable promos for How I Met Your Mother.

VII. Peyton Manning's insistent audibles and hand signals at the line of scrimmage will cause seizures among a class of Korean schoolchildren.

VIII. Within the first eight minutes, we will be subjected to eight (8) close-ups of Dwight Freeney's hideously swollen ankle.

IX. On the Saints' first drive, Reggie Bush will juke three defenders out of their socks, then fumble the ball in the open field.

X. On the Colts' first drive, Dallas Clark will catch a pass over the middle, get creamed, and stumble drunkenly to the sideline, only to return two plays later and do the same exact thing.

XI. Sometime in the first twenty (20) minutes, Jim Nantz will make a sympathetic reference to Tiger Woods.

XII. Sometime in the first eighteen (18) minutes, the cameras will close in on a major American pop star.

XIII. Said pop star will be wearing a Saints hat, despite fact that said pop star has no connection at all to New Orleans.

XIV. The Colts will score their first touchdown on a 37-yard screen pass from Manning to Joseph Addai.

XV. The Saints will score their first touchdown on a 52-yard pass from Drew Brees to Devery Henderson.

XVI. Sometime in the first twenty-six (26) minutes, Jim Nantz will explain the story behind Drew Brees' birthmark.

XVII. Before halftime, there will be at least three commercials involving talking animals.

XVIII. Before halftime, there will be at least seven commercials involving men doing unspeakable things in the name of beer.

XVIII. The Tim Tebow ad will be overshadowed by a more controversial commercial put out by a desperate corporation hit hard by the recession. Partial male nudity will be involved.

XIX. At halftime, approximately 38 percent of viewers will pose this question: That's Roger Daltrey?

XX. At halftime, Pete Townsend will attempt to shatter a guitar and fail.

XXI. At halftime, the Who will indeed perform a medley of their favorite songs, prompting 90 percent of major American bloggers to make Squeeze Box jokes.

XXII. The third quarter will begin with a trick play.

XXIII. Each team will turn the ball over two times in the third quarter.

XXIV. Phil Simms will question whether the game is getting "sloppy."

XXV. In the third quarter, Pierre Thomas will score on a 26-yard run. The play will be reviewed, and the review will be unncessarily long, prompting another round of commercials involving a talking marmot.

XXVI. In the third quarter, Manning will throw an 18-yard touchdown pass to Pierre Garcon, who will do something nice to acknowledge Haiti.

XXVII. Jim Nantz will call the moment "one of the greatest things I've seen."

XXVIII. Twelve percent of Super Bowl parties will run short of french onion dip at the end of the third quarter.

XXIX. During the break between the third and fourth quarters, an ad for a major American beer company will feature six buxom women and a Shakespeare-quoting rhinoceros.

XXX-XL. Manning will complete ten consecutive passes in the fourth quarter, prompting Nantz to refer to him as "The Manning" after each one.

XLI. The game will come down to the final minutes, at which time Jeremy Shockey will make his only catch of the game, and immediately stand up and taunt several defenders.

XLII. In the final two minutes, Brees will be lauded for his poise immediately before throwing a crucial interception.

XLIII. In the final two minutes, a major American beer company will unveil a commercial involving a sea turtle who is also a renowned quantum physicist.

XLIV. Regardless of who wins, Nantz will punctuate it with a thoroughly vetted play on words that will cause 84 percent of Super Bowl party attendees to hurl corn-based projectiles at their television sets.

On Jarringly Specific Predictions For This Weekend's Games

A.) Mark Sanchez throws for 167 yards, one touchdown, and three interceptions. He also loses a key fumble in the third quarter which leads to an Indianapolis touchdown pass from Peyton Manning to Austin Collie.

B.) Manning throws for 312 yards and two touchdowns. He does throw a second-quarter interception to Kerry Rhodes, after which he is captured on the sideline, examining photographs and frowning.

C.) Reggie Bush returns a punt 83 yards to the Minnesota 3-yard line.

D.) Adrian Peterson fails to score on a halfback dive play, and on second down, the Vikings run play action, with Brett Favre throwing a touchdown pass to Visante Shiancoe. Deadspin's editors utilize this opportunity to make gratuitous jokes about Shiancoe's genitalia.

E.) Favre takes a hard shot to the ribs in the second quarter, limps to the sideline, argues briefly with this guy, and then leads his team on a 12-play, 76-yard touchdown drive. When it ends, he thrusts both arms skyward, then winces. Upon witnessing this, somebody in the broadcast booth utters the word "fun."

F.) A major sports columnist describes this Super Bowl matchup as "potentially the greatest in history."

G.) A major sports blogger describes this Super Bowl matchup as "a great big bag of fail."