Thursday, January 7, 2010

On Inconsequential Things That Matter To Me (Aquamarine Edition)

To the masses who have arrived here via this man's ever-expanding Twitterverse, welcome. The paragraph that spurred Chuck's righteous indignation and the ensuing Twargument is the first in the post right below this one. And if you're (understandably) wondering who the hell I am, go here.

1. Brit Hume
Oh, liberal media, pounding on poor Brit for this; have you no understanding of this man's ability to evoke social change? Brit Hume is to televised Sunday programs as Nelson Mandela is to South Africa, or The Situation is to reality television. Myself, I'd been mired in a decades-long spiritual crisis, lamenting the errors of my past, my Bar Mitzvah gelt, the drawerful of Chanukah candles, the collection of Woody Allen films, the yoga DVDs, the Chogyam Trumpa books, and I thought to myself, "You know, I am not spiritually content. I do not feel fully forgiven. I require further guidance in my life, and I am going to tune into Fox News Sunday to see if Bill Kristol may be able to soothe my soul with his spiritual hymns of peace and harmony. Also, that Juan Williams is kind of cuddly." And lo and behold, there was Hume, looming before me like a vaguely canine version of the Holy Ghost, and lo, I was saved. If it's good enough for Hume, I thought, it's good enough for me. And I am saved. Lord, forgive me for taking Thom Brennaman's name in vain.

2. Avatar Amour
You know, I sat there for eight hours and forty minutes in that cavernous house of IMAX, wearing those Lloyd Braun glasses, watching Giovanni Ribisi jones for deforestation, and I thought to myself, "You know what would be great? If these inexplicably blue Native American proxies got it on in 3-D. Because the one thing missing from my childhood--beside the spiritual teachings of Brit Hume--was the on-screen consummation of Smurfette and Vanity's fraught relationship." And now, thanks to James Cameron, all I have to do is wait for the DVD.*  
 3. The Best New Blog of the Week
Belongs to Charles Pierce. I'm jumping the gun slightly, but seriously, this dude is one of the reasons I'm here. And he's one of the reasons Tiger is there.

*Seriously, how long is the director's cut of Avatar going to be? Will there be nap breaks built in?

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